There are moments in our lives when everything comes into focus. Moments when our way forward becomes so clear that the urgency to move is undeniable. A fire gets ignited in our bellies and we must follow the hunger, lest that appetite turn on us and eat us alive.
Approaching 2025, I was searching for this drive, only to be left with a familiar sense of insecurity and nagging doubt. What if this was another year where I “fail” at the things that I wanted to accomplish?
Most times when inadequacy appears, it is only obvious in one area of our lives. Although uncomfortable, at least we have a place we can anchor into and put singular focus on that area and start working to create change there. I was only a few days into the New Year when I was overcome by inadequacy in EVERY area of my life! It was like I was taken 30,000 feet above my life and I could see the symptoms of how I wasn’t enough in every role that I play. It was excruciating.
I did take some comfort in knowing that most of the people I was talking with seemed to be going through something similar. However, the voice of the “Perfectionist” in my head was not satisfied with that. “That's fine,” it would say, “but not YOU. YOU should be the one that has it together by now Jenny! You can’t be a “leader of men”, raise regulated and happy children, provide for your family, and be the good friend, daughter, and wife that the people you love deserve, if you are suffering from the same weak thoughts and self-image of those that haven’t been “doing the work” for 15 years!”
That voice! It sucks. I hate it. I want it to shut the fuck up and go away.15 years of intensive and unending self work that most people wouldn’t survive, is STILL not enough???? Am I doomed to stay on the merry-go-round of Imposter Syndrome, Compare and Despair Insecurity, and Apathetic Inadequacy?
No matter how hard I try to sit in it and conquer it, and get my work done anyway, I can’t. Within the first hour of trying to “produce”, I go into the hole of overwhelm and paralysis. It is the combination of physical discomfort, intrusive mind chatter, and emotional mud that makes you want to quit life, dig a hole and crawl in. So, I sink into whatever method of distraction or escapism I can find in the moment desperate for relief, only to find that the voice just gets louder.
Everything I hear and see annoys me. I hate everything and everyone. Why does the whole world seem to be on top of it, and here I am unable to produce a single social media post? Tears of frustration begin to fall as the feelings of fear spread through me: I am going to fail at everything, and then I’m going to lose everything that gives my life meaning and purpose.
Then, fear turns into defeat as I realize that I can’t go on like this. I’m TIRED! I’m tired of covering up, sucking it in, filtering my thoughts and words, trying to do everything and do it the “RIGHT” way. Tired of the repetitive rhetoric that has developed within the Healing and Empowerment Industry. Tired of the Narcissism inside the Spiritual Community. Tired of the list of shit that “I have to do” to be a Boss Bitch Entrepreneur. I’m tired of trying to figure out how to create the perfect fucking social media post so you will spend more than 2.3 seconds watching it before you swipe! I’M TIRED!!! Who cares? It’s pointless anyway to just try to add one more thing to the Self-Empowerment White Noise content that is already out there.
And then it happens……Enter the lightning bolt impact of God’s Cosmic Design for 2025!
As I sit to write this I can hear a million theme songs playing in my head all at once: I Gotta Be Me, I Did it My Way, Come as You Are (I am a child of the 80s/90s after all).
I see my heroines/heros dancing in my head and chanting, “JEN-NY, JEN-NY, JEN-NY!”
Who are they, you ask?
In the mosaic are Sandra Dee, Frances “Baby” Houseman, Elphaba, Tyler Durden, Daenerys Targaryen, and the Wizard of Oz himself ... just to name a few. Why do I love them? Because they all did the one thing that I have always wished that I could do: They unleashed the power of their Alter Egos, and left conformity behind. They set themselves free, and discovered their True Self.
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”- Marilyn Monroe
The energy of 2025 has been quaking in my Spirit for quite some time, but I wasn’t exactly sure what that quaking was trying to unearth. A few years ago, I pulled an Irish goodbye and exited stage left from the “New Year’s Resolution zeitgeist”. Instead, I started choosing a Word for the Year. {Pause, Sidenote: If I’m being truthful (which I am in this post), God was the one that always chose the word FOR me. I was left to then figure out what it meant and how it applied to where I was going lol.} Anywhooo, the word given to me for 2025 was RECLAIM, and I was confident that I understood what it meant for me. That was until this moment, when that lightning bolt of clarity hit me. Today, God revealed what I was actually meant to RECLAIM!
I am meant to RECLAIM myself. My WHOLE self! The one that God designed and was whole and pure until the world got a hold of me. The missing piece? The piece deep inside of me that has been creating the quake that I am always feeling, but couldn’t put my finger on exactly where it was coming from. SHE is the piece of me that became my Alter Ego when she was splintered off and repressed because the world wasn’t ready for her. I had been calling her “My Inner Child” for so long that I had missed the fact that she had grown inside of the healing space I had been creating for her over the last 15 years. In fact, She had grown so much in that cocoon, she had become MORE of a woman than I perceived myself to be!
The quaking in my Spirit was HER, rattling her cage and telling me it was time to let her out!
As I exhale into these words and thoughts, relief is spreading through my being. It’s like coming home after a long day and taking off your bra, or unbuttoning your pants after Thanksgiving dinner. Total release, space to breathe, and authentic comfort.
Wow, I want to giggle in madness {and maybe throw up a little at the same time}!
The answer was so obvious! What I needed was right there this whole time. Integrating the “Authentic Self” is something I coach my clients on every single day, yet I couldn’t see my own and She was right in front of me. SHE has been waiting for SO long to be given the Mic, if even for the sole reason of Dropping It!
In my meditative conversations with Spirit, I was shown the impact of the chapter that humanity was entering this year. God has shown me countless times that this would be the Age of Advancement and Enlightenment. It is the Era of Disruption/Disruptors. It is the chapter where we Reclaim our Authority and become the initiates of the wisdom that was planted in our original blueprints. It is the time where each of us will find a way to remember who we really are, and discover the immense power we have to create change! We will finally realize that there is no greater Authority out there than the relationship we have with God. No one Man or Woman can tell us how to live our lives, how to heal our hearts, minds and bodies, or gift us with the happiness and fulfillment each of us deserves! The resource we need is right inside of us, and it is ready to help steer the ship into safe harbor! Granted, we still have a long road ahead to heal from decades of brainwashing and gaslighting by SO MANY False Authorities out there, but all the ingredients are there and waiting for us to get cooking!
Given this road that is undoubtedly in front of us, there is no one I would rather have by my side than HER. My fierce “little self” that, at this point, I no longer have any business referring to as “little”! SHE is the reason why I fell in love with the characters that I listed above. SHE is the reason I have survived so many seasons of painful death/rebirth. SHE is the reason I chose the “woo-woo” career that I have practiced for the last 15 years. SHE is my fire, my shadow, my sorceress. SHE is the Initiate of God’s wisdom. SHE is also my bodyguard and protector; my lack of filter; my unpolished, uncouth, taboo, backroom persona. SHE is ALL of these things, and today I call her ME.
Where we are all headed is going to require some serious “re-parenting” of where we are “soft in the middle”. If you aren’t already experiencing these same reverberations in your Soul and Body, then it is only a matter of time {like hours or days lol} before you will. Total vulnerability, total transparency, and total clarity around all of the reasons why you think you are inadequate and “not enough”.
Until now, I had no idea how I could possibly prevail over this darkness that has been with me for my whole life. It came down to one thing- letting HER out of her cage. If there is anyone that can re-parent me, provide the ferocity of passion and love I need, protect me, reassure me and make me feel safe to soldier on, it is HER! No one knows me better. She has kept all my secrets for me, she has helped me overcome the darkest times of my life, she watches scary movies and smokes cigarettes with me, she laughs at my raunchy jokes and doesn’t care if I haven’t showered in 3 days. She reminds me of who I REALLY am and how very special I am in the eyes of God. Most importantly, how very special I am with ALL of my imperfections!
If all of this is true, why have I kept her there for so long? Simply, because somewhere deep within, I still believed that my survival in this world depended on it! So many decades ago, I was a little girl that was desperate for love and acceptance. That little girl felt that the only way to get the nourishment she was starving for was to be the “good girl”, the perfect girl. If I wanted to be quintessentially perfect so people would see me and accept me and love me, then I had to get rid of the part of me that didn’t fit the mold. The world had made it clear that I could never be “My Fair Lady” as long as the unpolished Eliza Doolittle was hanging around!
In the 15 years I have been “doing the work”, there is one Truth that has made itself painfully clear: The secrets of God’s Word and Way are all revealed through the language of puzzles! God is a Paradox, and so are all of the secrets to enlightenment.
My paradox revelation? I got rid of HER because she was the source of my “inadequacy”, and stood between me and the love and acceptance I was starving for. God’s Mic Drop- You won’t resolve the painful wound of Inadequacy or experience the True meaning or action of Love until you are your WHOLE self, and you let her out of the shadow.
What I perceived to be the Wound was actually the Medicine the whole time.
So, today ends the floating head of “The Great and Powerful Oz” and instead you're going to get the disheveled, frenetically energetic, unpredictable, barkingly loud and uncouth “mad-woman” that has been behind the curtain this whole time. {albeit with a more cemented moral compass than the character in the Wizard of Oz lol}
I would be misleading you if I said that she was completely repressed this whole time. Some of you have seen HER already, but only in snippets. Only those in my trusted inner circle have gotten to see ALL of Her, and know Her ALL TOO WELL! {you know who you are, wink, wink} For all of “those” people that I trusted Her with, I send you my whole heart in gratitude for accepting her with open arms, loving every unpolished edge, and also not being afraid to tell her when to SHUSH. It is because of you that I could even come to this moment at all.
To those that haven’t met her yet, well, in the words of Monty Python, “And Now For Something Completely Different.” Sorry, not sorry! So, come along for the ride, or don’t, I don’t really care. For those that dig it, maybe it’s time to hand your Alter-Ego the Mic for a minute and see how it feels.
So, now I’m going to hand the Mic to Sandra Dee for a moment. Here’s "Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee”, from the GREASE Soundtrack- Born in 1978, just like me ;)-
“Look at me, there has to be
Something more than what they see
Wholesome and pure
Oh, so scared and unsure
A poor man's Sandra Dee
Sandy, you must start anew
Don't you know what you must do?
Hold your head high Take a deep breath and sigh
Goodbye to Sandra Dee!”
Whether it’s Black Leather and Lipstick Red Heels, or a Black Sherpa Hoodie and Red Uggs {more realistic for this stage of my life}, this is the year to make an entrance.
Who’s with me?
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